Ending a relationship you really fully valued is a fascinating journey. I've felt a lot of things in the past two weeks, mostly confused and sad. I keep trying to remember that the best thing I can do is just stand up tall, stay busy, and remember that I can and will get through anything and come out stronger. The worst part right now, is that every day I have a new perspective on "what went wrong." I have no idea what he really feels or really thinks or what his days are like right now.
But you know what? We are young. And he is confused, too. And this is a two-way street. And for some crazy reason, I keep forgetting that this is actually HIS loss, too. I forget my value when I focus on how much I admire him, and if there is no other reason why this had to end, that can be it.
I know this is a self-serving post, but it has to happen. Every healthy break-up involves at least one of the people going through a self-confidence building phase. My good friend Natalie Warren said it well: "Break-ups can be awesome. You start doing things to make yourself feel better about yourself, and then you realize one day that you are totally over that person and you actually got way cooler in the process."
I'm not ready to get over this person. The last six months (yep, it was only 6 months) were often perfect, and at this point, I still want that in my life. Still, it is okay to question things. It is okay to try to move on and ask myself if Costa Rica might be better single and if we were just being together because it is convenient. It is okay to accept that forcing the relationship forward is not the best way to decide if it is really right and that in a few months, or a year, or however long it takes, everything will make sense.
My Ph.D. program is focused around resilience. We talk for entire courses about what that means (it depends) and how we can understand it (still up for debate.) I have not really liked that word in terms of ecology, but I'm loving it in terms of love. I think that to have resilient love- love that can survive questioning, hardship, and life in general- we have to be strong enough on our own. I'm not going to ask this guy to fill some void in my life, because there isn't one. I am a happy, independent person when I am single and when I am with him. I'm going to enjoy this time in my life and if what we had was resilient than woohoo! If not, I'm glad we got out now.
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| Look at this beautiful sunrise I saw while running last night. Spring, 75 degrees, and life is good. |
